Friday, January 28, 2011

T-Minus Freak Out

Today I had a freak-out. It's not as exciting as you might think--I'm MUCH more likely to implode on myself than break down in hysterics. The cracks started when I had trouble falling asleep last night because my brain was telling itself, "Tomorrow is Friday. Which means it's the weekend. Which means this is your last chance to buckle down before you re-take your GMAT first thing on Monday....Good luck with that. HA."  It was saying similar things when I woke up unusually early this morning.

Yeah, my brain likes to turn on itself. The jerk.

Anyway, I went out to lunch with a couple of my co-workers today, one of whom is a recent MBA grad. One of his comments regarding the GMAT (and its significance in the admissions process) was all I needed to send me over the edge, and by the time I was sitting back at my desk afterwards, I wanted to throw up my pad see ew.

Shortly thereafter, I went to my one on one meeting with my boss and she talked me off the ledge, reminding me that everything will work itself out the way it's supposed to. She wisely counseled me to have a backup plan and remember that if I really want an MBA, one way or another, I will get it. Period. I admitted that only this past week did I even seriously entertain the idea of sticking around San Diego to do it. I went down to USD to help the Kappa chapter with their recruitment last weekend, and I was taken aback by how much I liked the campus, and I thought, "Hmm...not too shabby..." That's where she and several of my co-workers have gone to do their graduate study.  It wouldn't be the end of the world to end up there.

I suppose I didn't just get tied up in knots at the possibility of being rejected from my #1 choice, but at the idea of admitting that I might not go the way that I've declared to the world that I will go, and thus feel like a failure.  I get so, so focused on things that when I don't get them, for a time my world is in ruins. But the reality is that my best might not be good enough to get into St. Gallen or ERASMUS Rotterdam or any other top European school. I have to remind myself of my end goal and the fact that I am quite resilient and I will find a way to make things work; I always do. That's life.  Suck it up.  Do your best and suck it up.

Meanwhile, I have at least drafted all of my essays and wrote up my resume. I'm going to put the finishing touches on them over the weekend, do some practice questions, rest up, and, as the saying goes, let Jesus take the wheel.